Tsunami

I have this thing where if something hurts me too bad, I like to go numb. I let all feeling fall away from me, let the chill set in, and allow the real world to blur and fade around me. It's how I survive when I just can't handle living anymore.Its at those moments I go for a walk, I try to blur away everything and I enter this world that is like nothing and everything all at once. 

I can feel my tears, they're like rain falling, slowly at first but steadily increasing as the seconds tick by. It's pouring all around me and I can hear and feel it washing over me, soaking me to the bone. I can feel the thunder and the lightning cracking across the sky pounding through my chest like a heart beat. All the sounds fill my ears like a new natural form of music, something almost primal and beyond beautiful. 

The storm always does something to me. It eases the ache in my chest and helps to ease me. If I stand there long enough I know that it will help me heal. It will help me cleanse and wash away the pain that threatens to drag me under and never let me see the light again. 

As the rain keeps falling I begin to feel myself losing the earth under my feet. I can never tell if the earth is crumbling away or if I'm just beginning to float on the sea that my storm has begun to create. Over time I can feel the current carrying me, lifting me up; making me feel lighter for the first time in a long time. Next the wind will start. It causes waves, sometimes big and sometimes small. The issue at this point is taking control. If I can, then the worst I'll see is the waves. They'll shake me up and help bring me back to life. They will help me recover finally and give me even just a semblance of peace in my mind. 

If I can't control it, then the tsunami will begin to form. When it hits it crashes into me and can either leave me more alive than I've ever felt before, or it can leave me hollow but ready to push forward. There's so much intensity in that moment when it hits me. It could completely destroy me, but it only ever destroys my demons and spooks, the things that haunt me. That's the thing about a natural disaster, no matter what it will leave some form of destruction in its wake.