Descending into the Darkness (excerpt)

   There is a part of every soul that has at least a small piece of darkness. It’s the place where that tiny little voice lives, the one that we ignore as much as possible because we know that it can only hurt us. It’s usually small, quiet, in the back of our minds, and easily pushed away. Mine screams as loud as possible. It’s an echoing monster that scratches and claws at me, begging to be let out.


   Maybe it’s this bad because of all the things I’ve been through. How can years or physical and mental abuse not bend and twist a person at their core? It gave the darkness form, gave it a face in both my darkest nightmares and waking hours.


   As time moved on the little voice changed. It went from little doubts and fears to picking me apart piece by piece.


  You’re worthless. They don’t want you. Nobody actually needs you. You're bothering them again. You're too much for anyone to handle. They would be better off without you. If you just end it, you won’t have to feel this anymore. It would be so easy, just do it.


   The lines blurred more and more as time went on between which thoughts where the darkness and which were my own. I think that is how we got here, I lost track and just listened. I can feel the mix of the pills and vodka slowly pulling me down. Just a little bit more. It’s almost like drowning without the water. Part of me hopes it’s true, that when I’m finally gone nobody will notice.


   As my eyes flutter closed I imagine what it would be like. My spectral self walking among the people I loved as they smile and laugh. I see the man that I love finally happy with someone new, my best friend enjoying her nights rather than wasting that time on me. They don't have to check their phones for my messages and missed calls anymore. There are no more frantic messages to find. They don't have to worry about me at all, and nobody has to remember to check in. I'm not a burden to anyone anymore.

   The tears keep flowing out of me, hot on my cheeks. Even now that hollow aching sadness clutches me tight. Just a little bit more. Then...it all goes black.