The little monster

Deep inside of me I have a monster that I wish wasn't there. It's the type of creature that makes me think things that I regret the moment they pop in my head. 

There is this girl that makes the monster come out more than normal. She drives me crazy, makes me cry, and ties me up in knots all without even trying. When she makes me feel that way, all I want to do is forgive her, tell her it doesn't matter and smile through it. I want to be the person that is there for her no matter what, and that she knows will always be there.

 

In the back of my head I hear my monster whispering though. It tells me that I would be better off having walked away. It tells me that a lot and usually ends up winning, but this girl is different; she's too important. It's still whispering though, telling me that I had a choice. If I had waited to tell anyone about talking to her, I would have had more time to establish something. If I had said no when she needed help she wouldn't be here getting help from everyone else and looking at him...

If in the moment that I saw her name on my cell phone screen I had made the conscious decision to pretend I never saw it and wasn't going to respond...maybe then I wouldn't feel the way that I do right now. 

Those things are all there in the back of my mind, but the person I truly am would hate myself if I ever did them. The person that I am hates that little part of me. The person that I and would rather have a shattered heart and my heart just wants to see her smile, see her happy, and love her until it stops beating....